It feels like you got hit in the vagina by a truck!
Giving birth was hard, but the epidural made it a walk in the park compared to the recovery period, when you’re shredded down there, and they just give you ADVIL for the pain.
I was lucky, though. My parents and parents in-law provided food for the first month. They helped us build the nursery, gave us advice, and babysat. They even helped us give A-Force her first bath.
A-Force is not our daughter’s real name. I used a rapper name generator to create a nickname for her, because I am protective. She is the most important thing I have ever done in my life.
It hasn’t been easy. It’s been wild. I’m wearing her in a LILLEbaby carrier as I type this. For the past few days, if I put her down and she’s not already in a deep sleep, she’ll cry. Sometimes, she scream-cries, and it’s scary -- hoarse, high-pitched screams that chill me down to my bones.
The good moments are very good, though. They way she looks at me right after she wakes up is the expression of pure love, and her hairline makes her face look like a little heart. She falls asleep on me every day, sweet, warm, cuddly, and as flat as a pancake. Sometimes, the layered shoulders of her onesies are still damp out of the wash and I have to hang them up on a drying rack with my line-dry clothes -- her tiny onesies next to my adult-sized clothing.
Raising a baby -- being at the service of a baby -- is an unpredictable, 24-hour job. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding.
I think that it has made my mind more agile, though. Before A-Force was born, I was often rigid about my time. I schedule most of the things that I do in Google Calendar, and try to stick with it. It’s a habit that is impossible to maintain when your baby screams all morning…
Now, I reschedule things. I erase things off to-do lists completely. It killed me at first. Who am I without my daily accomplishments? It felt like I was ceasing to exist.
It got easier, though, and I got better at snatching the bubbles of time that became available when A-Force fell asleep. The most important things got done on the fly, and as weeks passed, I saw that not doing the less important things didn’t matter.